Imposter Syndrome Part 1, or "How I avoid facing real growth."

So I got a horse. 

Now what?

Behind the thousands of photo sessions of my mare and I posing on the ground, is the soul sucking performance anxiety of everything else. While I am blessed to be able to work through and overcome imposter syndrome in my personal and professional life (childhood trauma and abuse is a very dear and passionate subject but I'm going to set precedent to myself that this is not the psycho-socio-eco-over-analyzation blog, this is the over-analyzation horse blog 😉), the fear of failure with my horse is an inner blackhole. 

What if I'm not good enough to ride her? 

What if she's not right for the discipline? 

What if I ruin her?

As adult amateurs (in any field), I think we tend to hold ourselves to a different standard. Unlike what we imbue into young children, we no longer believe we have grace for mistakes, especially if we pick something up later in life. As an educator, I've seen it often in mid-career change teachers. These teachers tend to be less bold and outspoken about their accomplishments, but hold dear to every opportunity to learn, and hold deep onto all missteps. This, while showing obvious maturity, belies the reluctance of true accountability. 

Yikes, that's a hard rock there, but gulp it down with that pinot (yes being old has its perks kids) because we've all been there.

Without getting into the long winded ramble about the psychology behind the condition, I've employed the talents of the internet to pictorially describe imposter syndrome. There's a lot of different ones for every career and hobby, but this one in particular fit my equestrian situation, especially in terms of performance.

Graphic by Kristin Chirico / BuzzFeed

Maybe it's my oppressive Chinese upbringing, maybe its a lack of confidence, but I have never accepted a compliment outright for my riding. Ironically, I prided myself in my over criticism of my rides. It's always my fault. So I must always be the one responsible to change. I must change so I don't waste my trainer's/horse's/husband's time. I must get it right because why can't I get it right?!

Yikes. 

It's massively cringe-y reading my inner imposter out-loud because of the sheer embarrassing ego behind those statements. Though there are some personal reasons behind my worry about wasting time and money on an expensive time consuming sport, I can honestly say that my ego is a huge part of this whirlwind of negativity. Sounds strange right? You can say, "But Amy, you're being self-critical, how can that equate to being conceited or self-centered? Hah!

This over-expectation is the epitome of putting myself on a crumbling pedestal. Instead of internalizing mistakes and successes, I plateau by rejecting the notion I can do anything better, relieving myself of my responsibility to really understand my mistakes (knee jerk corrections) and refusing to embrace small epiphanies, which is worth more than a medal at a show.

So what is the answer to this issue? 

STOP! In order for me to get over this complex, I think what I really need to do is STOP!

There is no answer, because the question is all wrong. To end this miserable cycle, I cannot keep avoiding the process of growth, which includes all the unknown that cannot be revealed, and the acceptance of my own limitations and the discomfort that will come with real growth. 

And be kind and remind yourself that it's ok to slip up.

I'll be posting periodically on this rock as I understand it more for myself. 

For now, let's go ride.